"To be more precise, fat is a combination of feelings and experiences. It is a complex feeling, a collection of simple feelings bound together. I notice my body more when I am in an uncomfortable situation, when I am emotionally over stimulated or fearful. By focusing on my body at the precise moment when I am so emotionally uncomfortable, I am deflecting the uncomfortable emotions onto something more tangible- my body. When I say I’m feeling fat, I am eluding my feelings; it’s a defense mechanism…I focus on the circumference of my thigh, the heaviness of my breasts, the double chin I swear I saw in the mirror this morning. Like all addicts, the eating-disordered person goes to great lengths to avoid her feelings. ‘Fat’ Is code for feeling scared, angry, ashamed, hurt, and sad all in one. It is code for I don’t want to talk about it; just leave me alone."
“Purge: Rehab Diaries” by Nicole Johns (via myotonia)
